Healing the Heart of Family Trauma

 A woman's testimony, cutting into the conversation...

Well she made different relationships with each of my siblings and me. Treated each of us differently from the beginning. We all had different experiences with her. My youngest brother wasn’t made to do anything but what he wanted and with his bad behavior and poor choices he thought he deserved all her punishments and yelling. He can’t possibly imagine why any of us might have a different perspective. He never saw and doesn’t remember how she made me cook, clean, bathe him and our kid sister, work in the house and in the yard. He never had to. It blows my mind.

I remember cramping so hard I had diarrhea and she made me mow the lawn on my one day off while my brothers played video games in the air conditioning. She was very different and particularly mean to me. The youngest brother would never know. And Mom knew what she was doing. I can’t imagine treating my child that way. I have taught her how to work hard and the value of it and she does with me. She mows the back yard every week now, on her own. She’s 11. My younger brother never did that when he was 18! My girl just did the other day.

I know Mom counted on me to do it, but I was sick. And she knew how sick and never took me to the doctor for it. I went on my own when I was in high school because a friend told me the help she got from her mom taking her to the doctor and I got Naprosyn--it was prescription only back then when it came out, now it’s over the counter naproxen, or Aleve. Since she died realizing she gambled what must have been tens of thousands, including the many thousands my husband and I gave her in love, thinking they needed it (when we needed it more but she acted as though they were barely making it and so we were wanting to give and be generous), realizing how she was so generous and different with my aunt's children over her own (well at least over me--who knows truly what relationship she had with each one of my siblings and how she chose to give differently to each) and realizing how then she couldn’t have had peace with all the different ways she was with everyone.

My goodness! It’s been hard to wrap my head and heart around. I’ve only felt sorry for her since she passed! Glad she was out of her apparent misery! Thought no wonder she only mostly selfishly sought comforts. She was stuck! She was immature in her faith and how sorry to be stunted and stuck like that.

I realize I could be, too, if I dwelt on the past, on how being alone in my first marriage so much and so immature, how Mom, my ex-husband, my kid sister and my current husband have deeply hurt me and how I wasn’t taught well in my faith, didn’t have a loving, kind mother to go to, was so naive and no one to teach me about life and how I’ve “so been wronged.” I don’t want to live my life out as a victim. I don’t want to not overcome others’ poor behavior, or my own!

As much as possible, I want to step up on the back of our mother and learn what I can learn and move upward and onward in Christ. It takes a lot of trust in the One Who can deliver on His promise of peace in this life. But I do know this is the abundant life...a life of trust, hope and faith in Jesus, not stuff, human power, human knowledge, comforts or ease. Some things are good, but not raised to the level of where people put them as if health is the abundant life, etc.

I don’t not acknowledge how she was with me. She was wrong. But in our lives I confronted her in college and she apologized. And she and I reached out more and more and were able to become friends and understood one another more over time. I know she respected me. I know she knew I would always do fine and she didn’t worry about me. And as my faith in Christ grew I knew to love on her the way she needed regardless of the past and I was blessed to do it!

I learned to care for her actually in a motherly way, something I know she wanted. She was very infantile in ways and acted out if I gave Dad more attention or time than her when they were visiting since my daughter's birth. (I just wish this last time she had listened to me and ate. And I just wish she had told me her symptoms and let me take her to the hospital before she fell overnight. If she hadn’t gotten so bad then she could still be alive. Why didn’t she tell me? Why did she just sit there wheezing and getting angry at me for trying to help her? And Dad just sat quietly next to her. So foolish! As dramatic as she could be, how did I know she wasn’t exaggerating? She had pneumonia!)

I digress, it happens occasionally. It all runs over and over again in my mind. And I have to let go again.

Anyway, I’d say she and I had a generally good relationship considering her life. I really chose to love her and give to her and serve her. I miss doing that and I miss her receptiveness to my love. I would’ve sent her flowers and bought her something nice for herself to bless her. Oh man. My siblings all have a different perspective of Mom, the one who would cook for them and do for them. My perspective is she’s the one I would cook for and do for. Whatever she wanted is what I made. Low sodium for her. I’d probably be ordering pizza for her for lunch if she and Dad were here on this rainy day. And this TV would be on and she’d be watching “All in the Family.” And she’d be sharing her diet soda with my daughter (not that I wanted my little to be drinking that stuff, but I did let that go right away--it was sweet how they were together) and eating those nasty rice cakes. Hahahaha

Well evidently I needed to vent a little myself. Talk through again some stuff with Mom. It just wasn’t easy. I don’t want my life being that complicated with my daughter or husband or sister. There is freedom in doing things God’s way. That is what I desire.